Admin from hell - old style

 Any knight need need armour, equipment, gadgets, a horse but most of all a brave bunch of soldiers. They also need armour, gadgets and all the rest to follow. This inevitably leads to something called "the budget process" which is something that can grind down the heart and mind of any honorable man and leave him sobbing in the street outside the local pub. The budget process as such is devised by cunning conjurers who dedicate their evil lives to making things miserable for those who want to step in to the sunlight and be regarded as a leader of men.

 

So there I was in my *chambre secret (*french for secret room) squinting at the glowing documents of horror. Lines, boxes, fields, numbers, instructions, exeptions - it all made a blurr in front of my eyes. Hastily I stood up and looked around the room in a deperate attempt for inspiration. A hidden dragon, a slithering snake, a cunning murderer, anything that could distract me from these documents of terror but there was nothing to ease my mind. My fist was grasping the sword but as my mind settled down so did my grip and instead my mind began to drift.

 

Perhaps this Budget thing was not so bad after all, I mean it is actually the key to more gadgets and equipment. It may even be the way for funding more soldiers. I sat down and started to look through the numbers. With such complexity it was clear that even the makers of this horror document could not grasp the complexity. I set about to place numbers in all kinds of boxes, filling in things I had no idea what it was and some that I did.

 

Many hours later I started to see strange patterns in the documents - changing one number made another jump, adding some text here made other things change there. Oh, the mystery of things. Now I finally had so many numbers that there just had to be more or less impossible for anyone to understand. This was perfect!

 

I called the courrier and send him of with God's speed and the devil in his hind sight to make sure that he would not stray. The word came a few days later that the numbers were not accepted - they were too high so I had to cut back a bit. This was the same message all knights got so now I was rolling. Take out a bit here, move some there, nip and tuck and here we are. Voila - a new budget was sent and so it went on for the next few days until un invisible deadline put a halt to all further changes - this was now it!

 

Looking at the complete fabulations of my creation I realised that I had managed to find money and resources in all kind of interresting options. At the end there was a big nice number so now I could start to move about some money from this pile over to that pile and so on. What a splendid opportunity to play trick or treat with the budget. There was always some money to be found and they could always be spent on something else and with enough confusion nobody would bother you as long as the final result was met.

 

They may complain if you exceed the budget but reach all other targets

however

they will KILL YOU if you stay within budget but fail to deliver !!!

 

With this in mind I smiled as I blew out the oil lamp on my desk and let the fresh air of the night fill my nostrils as I stood in the open window. The horses were idly munching away on their evening feed and a lonely owl was heard in the distant. This was going to be a grand year.

 

// AFH

It was dark and dusky when the horses finally came to a halt in front of the Castle of Furstenhof. Vassals jumping to attention, maids whirling about, stableboys, commoners, dogs and slaves all took a breath of awe when the brave knight from Hell placed his fot on the royal lands of Furstenhof. He was early, in fact he was an entire day early and not everything was ready yet. I smiled inside my shining armour - this is the best way to learn about reality when you catch them off guard.

The normal checking and credit card routine sorted I found myself in my very own "chambre secret" where I could leave my valuables before entering the town of Furstenhof as a common man and watch the street life pass buy. Finding myself a simple but sufficient Indian Pizza restaurant near the red light district I enjoyed a beer and the game where Germany was bitterly defeated by Kroatia and much later on my way back to the castle I encountered supporters of the winning team singing and dansing in the streets.

Blessed are the fearless for they shall go forth and so it was. The next day the new Lord Marshall had arrived with his whole entourage and the usual congregation of lords and knights surrounding him each one eager for his attention. Biding my time I saluted others as they came to me. This was not polite but very purpouseful since at the end of the gathering all others had shaken my hand and paied their respect.

The Lord Marshall set the pace of the gathering and all breave knights had to work hard, speak brave and be both witty and clever. This was truely a challenge and while all of them made it I had the fortune to excel. Naturally this was not to the delight of all the other knights and some even gave me the evil eye but they know to fear the fearless.

In the evening there was a proper banquet that ended in heavy drinking and while the beer slipped down my throat I kept my head clear and observed while interacting with the other knights. What a splendid evening it was.

Caviar from Nassau, spargelfish from Sachenhausen and wine from Krankenhaus. The food was cheesy and the deserts were creamy. The staff were invisible and the arrangement as such was divine. The Lord Master had really managed to set the stage for a most spectacular event.

At the close of the event after much had been spoken and even more had been drunk I left the stage and returned to my quarters knowing that I now have to move to the realm of Bayersholm. This is where the new and splendid kingdom will have its centre and I am one of the brave knights who have been selected to restore its former glory.

It fill my heart with pride and a sensation of really being empowered. I now have the blessing and personal support from the lord Marshall and also the Vice Roy has time and again expressed his absolute confidence in me.

Now we are on the roll !!!

Yes, my new job in Bayersholm will pay handsomely and perhaps I might even be able to affoard a new stallion !

Yours truely
// A F H

Creating a new organisation can be a sanctuary for incompetent managers and failure can be hidden behind frequent changes and blamed on things "outside my control". What a blessing for those who really should be sent packing. In the hour of destiny when the new organisation is created and external consultants with little or no knowlege about the actual individuals there is a huge window of opportunity for those who never got their engine started to gently slide in to a new safe heaven in the shape of a box in an organisational chart. Here they can rid them selves of all the projects and issues that haunt them by simply uttering the phraze "I am sorry, but that is no longer my area of responsability. You have to talk to someone else." Case closed.

 

We who walk the floor of terror, we who balance on the edge of the knife, we who dare the dragon - we are left with the short end of the stick and have to start all over with the next unfortunate twat confidently walking down the coridor. A new manager filled with hopes and dreams of personal benefits and achievements. As I innocently strike up a discussion with this new manager you hear the words fall from his lips; "Oh yes, the staff... or "the team" as I prefer to call them... I guess they need to have some sort of feeling of success too... usually I find that small gifts are well appreciated.... I have some T-shirts with the old company logo that could do well"

 

It is with a feeling of panic and anxiety I study the organisation chart and try to analyze what may work and what will definitely turn out to be "black holes" in the organisation. Where would the Petty Governor of Minor Matters end up, would he retain his magic powers or had he lost enough points ?  What about the Vice Roy? Well, he seemed safe. And then there is the Bloated Beggar from Roads Ends and what about Sir Point (of No Return) ?  We also had the The Mumbling Mollusk from Upper Cut would he actually get more powers now?  And what about all the new names, those who we have not seen before, those who come from assimilated companies... where will they end up? They don't even know our company culture !!!

 

"Mon Dieux" my brain was spinning like a little toy engine with too many batteries connected to it, I had to slow down and what could be better than to do a bit of good ol' fashioned Admin from Hell stuff. Reading some logfiles, nagging some local admins about some error they had no idea existed, sending a scary mail to a big boss about how soon the main server will run out of disk space and hassling some business managers about the latest technology on mobile phones that they can not get... Ahhh.... all of a sudden life feels much more controllable and destiny is once again back in my hands.

 

 Yours truely

// AFH

 The Petty Governor of Minor Matters called me with panic in his voice. The Scoundrel from Biatchini had summoned him to a meeting to discuss the non-existant salary increase that was approved months ago. Despite a bullet proof track record the increase was only spot on recommended average and the Petty Governor of Minor Matters was pouring with sweat. There was no where in his world he could understand that some times a salary increase is needed in times of trouble in order to retain good knights and not have them submit to the Dark Lord who always promise sweet dreams, cheese and crackers.

In a frantic call I had to wash up the ol' arguments for why the knight from Biachini was the right man for the job and so on and so forth... sigh. The Petty Governor was going to have a meeting with him later on the same day and was VERY nervous and upset about this. Normally I am the one to make bad things go away for the Petty Governor but this time it was outside my powers (and interest) to do so.

A short while later I was contacted by Cardinal Monetario who in a secretive and giggling voice told me that the Scoundrel had brought a friend to work and had told the Petty Governor that this was his support from the workers council. The Petty Governor almost fainted.... but he regained his colors when he found out that they were just pulling his leg and stormed off in to his room and slammed the door. Everyone laughed furiously !!!!  What a joke !

The Petty Governor has been so has been so upset lately that we have feared that his brain actually would melt down - something that most probably would be an improvment to his caracter. It is with little fear we now await the next chapter in the balet between the Petty Governor and the Scoundrel.  The Vice Roy has sense enough to stay out of these sort of comedy farses, the rest of us we just sit back and enjoy the show.

Yours
//AFH